When to start Cussing….

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old.

 

‘I think it’s about time we started cussing.

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

 

The 6 year old continues, ‘When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.’

 

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ‘Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’

 

WHACK!

 

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

 

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!

 

‘She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ‘and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

 

‘I don’t know, he blubbers, ‘but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!’

New Rules

 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a reason you don’t talk to classmates for 25 or 30 years you don’t particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He’s mowing my lawn.

 

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out of a window unless you are a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Caviar?

 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

 

New Rule: If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards you are a dope. If you are a kid, the cards are a keepsake of your idols. If you are a grown man they are pictures of men.

 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

 

New Rule: there is no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of that crap at the supermarket, but without the watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

 

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

 

New Rule: I am not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring out which way to slide my card, entering my verifying PIN number, finding and pressing enter, pressing the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back and pressing enter again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass and it translates to “chicken with broccoli”. The last time you did anything spiritual you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re just high. You’re not spiritual.

 

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M & M. If I’m extra hungry I’ll go nuts and eat two M & M’s.

 

New Rule: If you are going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you’ll have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie in the first place.

 

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for new homes and babies and graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s white people’s version of looting.

 

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know he is “27 Months”. “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

 

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and you want a job that pays more than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce and tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do so, plan your future around saying “Do you want fries with that?”

Religion works from the inside-out. The world works from the outside-in. The world will take people out of the slums. Religion takes the slum out of the people and then the people will take themselves out of the slums………. The world will try to shape human behavior, but Religion can change human behavior.